SP 14

YAY! I love a good secret so I'm doing secret pal again. I love it and last time was really fun!


1. What is/are your favorite yarn/s to knit with? What fibers do you absolutely *not* like?

I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT like acrylic. Some is okay within the content, but it makes my skin feel funny after knitting with it for awhile... Wool I can't wear but I have been known to knit with it. My favorite yarns? Soft, not fuzzy... I haven't met a soft yarn I didn't like... I have a love of handmaiden. Unfortunately that stuff is PRICEY! My favorite sock yarns are shi bui. I LOVE the colors.

2. What do you use to store your needles/hooks in?

A bag. I tried a needle wrap... I hated it. I tried a square needle bag. I hated it. So now they're all in a plastic bag... I'm thinking of getting the addi clicks though... But, that's an indulgence that I cannot afford at the moment. :) Actually, I was just waiting until I got this contract... anyway, long story.

3. How long have you been knitting & how did you learn? Would you consider your skill level to be beginner, intermediate or advanced?

I have been knitting since January of 2005. I had several teachers through my many failures as a knitter. But, then one day I was facing an eight hour meeting and determined not to sit through it without being productive, I picked up the needles and the rest is history. I would consider myself an advanced knitter. I have not tried steeking yet, but I have no fear.

4. Do you have an Amazon or other online wish list?

Yes... It's probably under my real name... It's not updated. I don't know... I"ll find it.
OH! I found it: http://www.amazon.com/wishlist/1MYERFF6AOGXA

5. What's your favorite scent?

Lavender, lilac, whatever... I DO NOT like Nag Champa, Cigarette Smoke, or... really strong candles.

6. Do you have a sweet tooth? Favorite candy?

YES! I love gummies of all sorts. Black licorice in any form, even jelly bean, is one of my favorites and Ice cream is a hobby. :D I don't eat a lot of high fructose corn syrup so that limits candy. BUT, there are these miniature candy bars that I got from a friend in Germany. They were long and were like milky way and stuff... they were awesome!

7. What other crafts or Do-It-Yourself things do you like to do? Do you spin?

I scrapbook sometimes, I have a cricut. I am trying to get back into sewing so that I can make myself clothes that I actually like and will wear. I would someday like to spin, but I don't have a wheel as of yet... I don't know what kind of wheel I would want and I don't have room for it anyhow. I have tried drop spindles... I have no patience. :D

8. What kind of music do you like? Can your computer/stereo play MP3s? (if your buddy wants to make you a CD)

My computer is a mac, it can do ANYTHING. But yeah, it plays MP3s and iTunes music, which is my primary source for music really. Music... well, I like nearly anything. I do not like: hard core rap, christian music of any type, or techno/electronic. What I've been listening to lately has been Bob Dylan, CCR, The Beatles, Ween, Queen, Cake. It's such a wide variety!

9. What's your favorite color(s)? Any colors you just can't stand?

purple is my favorite color. I do NOT like gem tones or hunter green. ick. Brown is okay in moderation. Tan, not so much. I like brilliant colors, like reds an oranges... I would say, look at what I've knit, look at my yarn chocies and in my stash... that's a pretty good idea.

10. What is your family situation? Do you have any pets?

I have three fur babies: Buckley, Molly and Hamilton. Buckley just had a birthday on the 29th of June, Hammie is 2 almost 3 and Molly is 8, almost 9. I LOVE dogs... cats scratch me and don't seem to like me... I don't own any other animals. I do live with the Dirt Monkey, my husband. He's an engineer.

11. Do you wear scarves, hats, mittens or ponchos?

I live in Alaska. These are necessities. My secret pal last time knit me a scarf that is nice! However, I have never knit myself a hat or a pair of mittens. I have one white mitten and one goldfish type mitten. It's sad that a knitter has chosen to outfit others before self.

12. What is/are your favorite item/s to knit?

I haven't found a pattern I don't like except for Samantha by Kate Gilbert, which has actually brought me close to another blogger! :D So, anyway, I have about three sweaters started for myself that I've never actually finished. The chocolate square top from Lingerie Knits, Ophelia, and Cece. Right now I'm finishing up Matilda Jane for a special someone. :)

13. What are you knitting right now?

uhhhh... woops. I am knitting Matilda Jane for a special someone and nothing else. I don't have any socks cast on, no hats, nothing. I'm simply hanging out on the sweater and sweater alone. I only have four more repeats on the last sleeve, so I should finish it this weekend I hope! Then I am starting or Bristow for a Christmas something or other. :)

14. Do you like to receive handmade gifts?

About as much as I like to make them for people, which if you haven't guessed by now, is a lot! My mom made me a quilt for Christmas and I think it was one of my favorite presents ever!

15. Do you prefer straight or circular needles? Bamboo, aluminum, plastic?

Addis are my favs for knitting. Lace weights are fabulous because of the points, but they don't come in short lengths usually. I like my metal hiya hiyas for socks and circulars for everything, even socks. :)

16. Do you own a yarn winder and/or swift?

I own both and use both freely and openly.

17. How old is your oldest UFO?

4 years... BUT, I've picked it back up this summer and hope to have it done for fall when it's cold enough to wear it again. 70 isn't really sweater weather...

18. What is your favorite holiday? What winter holiday do you observe?

Well, Christmas, but only in spirit. My family really doesn't go to church on that night or anything. My favorite holiday? I think Thanksgiving. No stress, just eating. :O

19. Is there anything that you collect?

yarn. Oh, hmmm... not really anymore... I collected Muffy Van Der Bears for awhile, but haven't bought a new one in years. The only thing I collect for sure is postcards and I'm not sure exactly where my collection is at the moment. Books maybe? I'm a book fiend. Other than that, I can't think of anything I collect.

20. Any books, yarns, needles or patterns out there you are dying to get your hands on? What knitting magazine subscriptions do you have?

I subscribe to Interweave knits and that's about it. I used to get the Aus magazine, Yarn, but my subscription ran out and I didn't make a lot of the patterns out of it. Books... well, I just bought the ones I was dying to have: Feminine Knits and Knitting in the Sun. Yarn... I have no Wollmeise. I hear good things, but there is never any around. I wonder if maybe it's the mystique and rarity of it that makes it so great. Other than that, some mint chip Louet would be awesome, but exceptionally hard to find. My secret pal last time got me those awesome square needles. I have started dyeing recently. But, I've been a little busy as of late, trying to get things moving with work and a few other projects in the hopper. I also receive Bark and Mental Floss and I just had Modern Dog run out. I should renew that tomorrow... hmmmm...

21. Are there any new techniques you'd like to learn?

Well, spinning my own yarn on a wheel. I have no patience though and prefer to have someone just show me rather than read a book and figure it out on my own.

22. Are you a sock knitter? What are your foot measurements?

Yes. I wear a size 8.5 or 9 (38/39 EUR). I knit socks, but I do not own a pair for myself. Why the hell do I give away all my knits? I belong to the Oz Sock Club and the Rockin' Sock Club. FUN!

23. When is your birthday?

Odd that this is 23... My birthday is June 23rd! Last week! I'm 28.

24. Are you on Ravelry? If so, what's your ID?

Yes! Abbeykins is my ID.

Thanks :)

Thanks for all your kind words and empathy. It's appreciated more than you know. It's been a hard couple of days, but I hope to be coming out of it, really soon.

Until then, I've been hanging out with my dogs, playing with one of my birthday presents (The Sims 3!!), and knitting like a mad woman. I've almost finished an entire sweater for my sister in law. I have one sleeve done now and am started on the second. This is the part of the sweater where I usually get so bored, or get anxious to finish. So anxious that I put it down and never finish it. In fact, I have not knitted as much on it the past few days as I have last week when I had time off. But, I have been knitting a substantial amount for friends who are having babies. Nothing spectacular, just cute baby hats. :D I'll post pictures soon, I just can't right now because I'm in something of a hurry.

Anyway. So, things are a little bit better today and I can assume will only get better as days go on and I don't spend as much time with my family. I think my sister in law is preggo. She got up from dinner quite suddenly, apologized and all but ran to the bathroom. She came back looking pale and didn't finish her dinner. Plus, she smells pregnant. Which is another story for another time... But, she and my brother are also avoiding the question all together... Every time I ask, no response, or 'I don't know, why don't you ask her...' it's such BS and she is SO preggo. This will be an interesting change in fate for my family. Plus my brother now has to name this child Gilligan. Yet another long story.

Off to work now!

Fair

I've had a really hard past few weeks... My birthday was last week and it's always been an exceptionally hard time of year for me. I love my birthday, or I used to. Anymore, it's just down right painful to have my birthday. Not because of age (I'm 28 this year), but because each year I have such high hopes for my birthday and nothing ever comes of it. Some friends remember, others don't. I don't think it's that I'm overreacting at all, but I've felt very useless and helpless lately. Just pushed aside and I feel like these things are happening at a time when I am already a little fragile.

I am very much an introvert, I NEED quiet time on a daily basis to make sure I can make it through each day. I recognize this and couldn't figure out why I was so frustrated when people would stay for weeks on end and I wouldn't ever have a break. I am not the type of person that can deal really well with that. But I recognize that now and have always managed to take time for myself, even if it's 5 minutes before bed.

But when I get the feeling that others are not interested in spending time with me at all, or I've set aside time just for them and then they ignore it, it's just about all I can do to keep from crying. I feel like I give of myself for others and I do my best to make them feel loved, but when I just am quiet and patient, or having a quiet day, people think I'm being mean or I'm angry. Perhaps this is the stem of my problem. When I talk, I talk too much. When I don't talk, I don't talk enough to make others comfortable. There is no comfortable balance for anyone and it seems like I'm the only one that sees things that way. The "Hey, I did this for you, I understand why you're here in this place now, and I'm fine with it." scenario, but it often doesn't feel reciprocated. Whatever. I give up. I'm just going to do things my own way, perfect being an introvert and be happy with who I am and not what others expect of me.

Yeah... right... and when I figure out the secret to that, I'll let you know.

I think the decision has been made not to have children. It goes along with the whole resentment thing. My parents LOVE my brothers dog, as if she were their own. Fine. Whatever. They have stated that my dogs are not well behaved, bark, cause problems in their house, etc. It's simply not true. My brothers dog barks constantly at one of mine and while it's fun for awhile, it gets old fast. Therein lies the issue. It's a matter of favorites and really, I don't want to put any child of mine in that situation. The dogs are fine, they don't know any better, but a child would see the same shit I saw growing up, which is just how unfair life really is, especially when you can do nothing to please or impress your own parents. All I want is for them to tell me how proud they are, say one fucking thing about me they like. That's all I ask. But alas, it comes rarely, if ever. It's always criticism and rarely is it a positive thing. I give up. My parents see fair very differently than I do and that's fine.

Damn, this is a depressing entry. I guess the blog really is for me to talk about my feelings and my needs. As a therapist, it's hard to find someone who will listen to you and be empathetic. They're always expecting you to have the answers and listen to them. How their problems are so much bigger than yours, or what they should do about this situation. I think I'm going to start telling people I'm an engineer. I think life will simply be easier.

It's ugly and bad until it makes money

I come from a large family, both in girth and in actual number of people. My family has always had a rather larger than average build/frame and I am no exception to that rule. It's true that I am overweight and I feel kinda bad about myself sometimes. BUT, I am pretty happy with the way I present myself. I would like to be thinner, I might 'like myself more.' Which has led me to my current obsession with weight. While I don't want to discuss my actual weight in numbers, I am substantially over what I should be for my height. Genes are working against me here, so is depression, OCD and anxiety. So, when I had to start shopping in the plus size department, I was a little disappointed with myself. Even worse, they put the petites right across the aisle, so you had super small skinny women shopping for clothes right across from the larger women who may be tall. What's worse is that the clothes they've had there have been so traditionally 'old ladyish' that I didn't bother even looking. I just shopped online.

So, I see a pattern. I weigh myself in the morning, if I've lost weight, it's a good day. If I haven't, I can't have anything but water to drink for the day and lunch might be more of an afterthought of a bowl of cereal. This is all compounded by hypoglycemia which I've had since I was a kid. It makes for miserable eating patterns and even worse, miserable reactions to not eating. So, trying to diet is simply out.

But why must we put so much emphasis on weight being a factor of self-worth. Everytime I walk by a group of teenagers in the mall, I see all the skinny girls and then look for the token fat girl. This of course brings me back to my days in that situation, feeling of guilt, and sadness. To know that my self-esteem was, and sometimes still is, based on how much I weigh, what size my clothes are, and even more, that I have to make excuses for my clothes because what I'm comfortable in isn't always fashionable. (It's like, Land's End and Ralph Lauren stuff) So, I was reading Jezebel and reading about how the discussion of plus size clothing has suddenly been important in fashion magazines. I wonder, when did everyone remember that being overweight isn't ugly or bad.

And then I realized... they make money off of it.

It wasn't until it became at least moderately alright to wear a plus size and there were famous people who were considered 'full figured gals' when really they were just big framed. Even now, people with a weight problem seem to be looked upon as weak, stupid, clumsy or ugly. Mind you this has nothing to do with facts, just personal perception of the things I read. But, there have always been the overweight gals and the like on tv shows since... well... Aunt Bea. Unfortunately overweight men have been a lot more common and accepted. I don't care. Double standards are not really the issue. I'm not a man, I needn't compare myself to them. Even Seinfeld had 'full figured gals' that Kramer was seeing on some episodes. No one ever made fun of them I don't think, but Jerry never dated an overweight woman, jsut the wacko neighbor Kramer. When Elaine dated an overweight guy, she broke up with him for that very reason.

So, I guess I'm not buying into the whole "We love overweight people now!", I've been here the whole time, it's them that have chosen to ignore me year after year. I'll continue doing my thing, wearing clothes I like and am comfortable wearing because some places have always provided for those of us unlucky enough to be born a bit bigger than everyone else. Or, is it lucky because it has added character to my life and personality? Made me cope with the judgement of others? Or just learn to persevere?

Oh, and I've lost 6 pounds in about 4 weeks... That's pretty good considering we've celebrated two holidays, three birthdays and we still have four to go! Whew...

Random Observations

1. Parents who don't realize the potential that they're REALLY cool kids have, pisses me off. Especially when they're VERY smart and really witty.

2. Shopping is NOT geared towards adults, it's all about teenagers. Where are they getting the money to go shopping??

3. To own beagles, one must REALLY love beagles. They are stubborn to a fault and too smart for their own good. Molly uses her nose and mental mapping to remember and find food. Buckley can jump to the top of the counters if he so chooses to find food. Hammie, well... Hammie learns things really quickly, like sit.

4. Well, that's about it.

Something a little lighter

1. My uncle once: rode his motorcycle through the gymnasium and weight room of his high school.

2. Never in my life: have I wanted to own a cat.

3.When I was five: I read a lot.

4.High School was: pure unadulterated hell.

5.I will never forget: bringing home our puppies.

6.I once met: someone who had met someone cool.

7. There’s this girl I know who: got called back into the military after being out for four years.

8. Once, at a bar: I puked in the bathroom, right before the owner of the bar came in. I tried to clean it up, but it was everywhere in there.

9.By noon, I’m usually: hungry and writing treatment notes.

10. Last night: I hung out with the fam.


11. If only I had: a bigger bank account to expand my brain.

12.Next time I go to church: it will be a cold day in hell.

13.Terry Schiavo: should not have been national news.

14.What worries me most: is losing my dogs. It's so inevitable...


15.When I turn my head left, I see:


16.When I turn my head right, I see:


17.You know I’m lying when: I tell you I am.

18.What I miss most about the eighties: absolutely nothing.

19.If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: confused and not sure who I was. :D

20.By this time next year: I will be almost 29... *shudder*

21.A better name for me would be: I think Abigail fits me pretty well.

22.I have a hard time understanding: republicans

23.If I ever go back to school, I’ll: be getting my PhD. That's right, Dr. Abbey.


24.You know I like you if: ... You're probably more likely to know if I DON'T like you.

25.If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: these folks:


26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: dude had a sweet boat, my favorite composer, who?, sounds familiar

27.Take my advice, never: open your mouth too soon, you never know how much everyone else knows about you.

28.My ideal breakfast is: hawaiian bread french toast, coconut syrup, pog, fresh pineapple, and... well, that covers it.

29.A song I love, but do not own is: uhhh... none. I own most every song I love.

30.If you visit my hometown, I suggest: being nice to the locals and not driving like a jackass.

31.Tulips, character flaws, microchips, & track stars: beautiful when bunched together with all those different colors, the best part of being human, beyond me... I"m guessing tiny!, waaaaay more in shape than me!

32.Why won’t people: just be happy.

33.If you spend the night at my house: keep your door closed. The beags will eat ANYTHING.

34. I’d stop my wedding for: a chance to elope.

35.The world could do without: people who hate and judge others.

36.I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eeew... I'm not playing this one.

37.My favorite blonde is: uhhhh... I don't think I know many blondes...

38:Paper clips are more useful than: boogers.

39.If I do anything well, it’s: knit!

40.And by the way: remember to always wear clean underwear.

Reverse Discrimination

The very definition of which, does not actually exist. Discrimination is discrimination in all forms, black, white, red, blue, whatever... I'm noticing the world is full of a lot of hatred lately. What's up with that? We have Pat Buchanan and some other white dudes talking about 'reverse discrimination' and I'm not even sure if they know what they're talking about. Saying they have been discriminated against might very well get them shot. I AM NOT PLANNING TO DO SO, IF THEY DO IT WAS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. Anyway, I guess it just seems stupid to act in such a poor manner as to criticize others because they are simply trying to get what they have had all along, opportunity. I used to think there was no racism or discrimination in the US. That everyone had the same opportunities as everyone else. I'm not so sure about that now. Most of my clients are native or pacific islander. I've seen a few black folks, and a few whites here and there. Honestly, I am now certain that not everyone has the same opportunities that I do. My parents both went to college, have good careers, I always had health insurance no matter what, I lived in a stable home, etc. I married into the same. I went to undergrad, I have a masters and I'm 27. Yes, I do have a mountain of student loans to pay off, but I'll tell you what, I'll have the chance to pay them off. No, I didn't get any grants or scholarships. It sucked at the time because it meant that I wasn't going to simply get any money for being... me. I was angry for the longest time about the scholarships available which were mostly for minority students and people with very specific backgrounds or going into certain fields.

I on the other hand, was none of those things. I realize that not every native has it bad, not every black has it bad (clearly that's true now), etc. I guess it just seems like a larger portion of natives in Alaska have a lesser chance of succeeding than most whites, or even blacks. I wonder, what if everyone had the same opportunities to be as much as they wanted to be? Yes, I fully believe that the world needs ditch diggers too, but I wonder what would happen if people like Pat Buchanan and Rush Limbaugh shut their stupid faces and focused, not on what they were being 'discriminated against', but rather what they were gaining by the wonderful perspective so many DIFFERENT types of people had to offer. One can only assume the world would be a happy and loving place.

Again... refocus on what's important, not on what we don't like about others. Don't think about how 'the gays are ruining marriage', cause they aren't. It's assholes that beat on their wives, or cheat on them with some other dude that makes the world a miserable place. For God's sake, quit judging each other. I think the US is going through some serious growing pains right now, something fantastic is going to take place in my lifetime. I don't know what it will be, but I think America is destined for a better future. I just don't know what it is right now, I just hope it comes soon cause Excedrin isn't taking the pain away right now.